I have a really large family, which was so fun as a kid to have so many people around to love and create experiences with. Now, as an adult I watch my siblings start to have their own families. I watch them as the take some of the things that we had in our home growing up and use them in their own families. Which is a really cool thing to be able to see those rules or expectations continue on through my nieces and nephews. This week, I discussed with my classmates about family dynamics and theories. One thing that I learned as we read articles and discussed is that each family has a different culture almost when it comes to rules or expectations. Think of your own family or your favorite TV/Movie family or even a Hollywood family, they each have these rules that as little kids they learned from their parents.
Ernest Burgess made a presentation, in 1926, to the American Sociological Association that became a landmark association. He went to describe two basic family types: the highly intergraded and the unintegrated family. The first is characterized by rituals, discipline, and interdependence. And the second by a lack of those features. He discussed the importance of the roles played by each family member, how problems result when the conflict and how one member can be identified as the "family problem".
I had the opportunity to observe a few different families, in different settings. The first family I observed was at my sister's wedding rehearsal, I watched my Nephew as he was getting antsy about holding his sunglasses. He walked up to his mom and asked if she could hold them, at the time my sister was taking pictures so she was a bit busy. She looked him right in the eyes and told him that he needed to keep them in his pocket, because she was busy at the moment. My nephew took that information and listened, he put the sunglasses in his pocket. He knew the "rule", that since he asked mom once he needed to listen to the guidance she gave. Another scenario was with my brother and his son at a restaurant. I noticed that every time my nephew wanted another piece of bread he would ask his dad. My brother would either say yes or no, and my nephew knew the "rule" was to ask permission before taking another piece of bread. At that same restaurant another family was next to us, they had 2 younger boys. The youngest boy would cry and make loud noises to get his parents attention, while the older one would stand up and move around to get his parents attention. They knew the "rule", that if they had this obnoxious behavior they would get attention.
I also took the time to add a Hollywood family into my observations. I watched an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians. In the episode I was watching Kim and Khloe (who are sisters) were in a little tiff about Kim hanging out with Khloe's ex boyfriend. Kim had invited him to dinner with her, and Khloe was not the happiest about the arrangement. Khloe had to put her foot down and set some boundaries, or "rules" if you will about Kim and other family members being too close with her ex boyfriend.
You can see in all of these observations that each family had "rules" that were unspoken or had to be brought up again to remind the other family member about them. I find it interesting that in the Kardashian family there is one family member that is identified as the "family problem" and on the reality show she is put out to be the "worst sister". Think of your families, think of the unspoken rules or expectations, think of the problems you have had as a family that you have to solve with rules or expectations that then become unspoken until you have to remind everyone about them. My challenge is to make a list of "family rules" from your family growing up or your family now, and think of how effective they are for your family. Or maybe how you can improve the list to help your family grow closer together in positivity.
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